Christians Are Messy—God is Not (How to Heal From Church Hurt)

I know a thing or two about church hurt.

I grew up as a Southern Baptist preacher’s daughter, which means I’ve heard all the things. Some of the comments people felt entitled to say to me over the years would shock you. Let’s just say, church folks sometimes forget that preacher’s kids are still… kids.

Honestly, some of the kindest, most selfless people I’ve ever met were Christians. Also, some of the most judgmental, backstabbing, and downright mean people I’ve ever met were Christians. Maybe it wasn’t the words someone said to you—maybe it was deep betrayal, manipulation, a look, or exclusion. And if that’s the case, I want you to hear this first:

I am so sorry.

I mean that. What happened to you matters. The pain you feel is real, and you are not wrong for feeling it.

But here’s something I need you to hear just as much:

People hurt you. God did not.

I know that doesn’t make it all better, but it’s where healing begins.

So let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about what church hurt actually is, why walking away from faith won’t fix it, and how to move forward without becoming bitter or walking away from the very thing your soul needs most—Jesus.

Not “Church Hurt”—People Hurt

When people talk about “church hurt,” what they’re usually describing isn’t the church itself—it’s people within the church who caused pain.

The thing is, not everyone who claims to be a Christian actually follows Jesus.

Let’s be honest: Anyone can sit in a pew and say the right words. That doesn’t mean they know Christ or reflect His heart. Judas walked with Jesus for three years, and he still betrayed Him.

But what about those who really do love Jesus—and still get it wrong?

Because they do. They have. They will.

And there’s no better example of this than Paul.

Paul: The One Who Was Hurt & The One Who Hurt Others

Paul wasn’t just a spiritual giant—he was deeply human. And if you look at his story, you’ll see that he was on both sides of church hurt.

Paul & Barnabas: Even good friendships can break (Acts 15:36-40).
Paul and Barnabas were ministry partners. They had traveled together, preached together, suffered together. They were close-like bound together in chains in the bottom of a prision close.
Then came a disagreement about John Mark (yes, the Mark who later wrote the Gospel of Mark). Paul didn’t trust Mark because he had abandoned them on a previous mission trip. Barnabas, ever the encourager, wanted to give him a second chance.
The argument got so bad that Paul and Barnabas split up. These weren’t two random guys in the church arguing over carpet color—these were two of the greatest missionaries in history.
Paul & Mark: When you are the one who needs grace for hurting someone else (2 Timothy 4:11).
Here’s what’s amazing. Years later, Paul’s heart toward Mark changed.
In 2 Timothy 4:11, Paul writes to Timothy and says, “Get Mark and bring him with you, because he is helpful to me in my ministry.”
Paul went from “I don’t want him on my team” to “I need him by my side.”

Paul was hurt by Barnabas.
Paul hurt Mark.
And in the end? God brought healing.

Even the most faithful Christians get things wrong. Even the strongest believers hurt each other.

So if Paul—one of the greatest apostles in history—experienced church hurt and caused church hurt, maybe we can stop expecting perfection from Christians today.

People fail. But Jesus never does.
People will hurt you. But Jesus will never abandon you.
People can get it wrong. But Jesus is always faithful.

So if you’ve been hurt by Christians, don’t let that make you run from Christ. Because I promise you—He is nothing like those who misrepresented Him.

Walking Away Won’t Heal You

Maybe you’ve thought, “If this is what Christians are like, I want nothing to do with them.”

I get it. Truly. There’s a reason so many people have walked away from church completely.

But can I ask you something? Has avoiding church actually healed the hurt?

Leaving may have felt like relief at first, but distance from God’s people doesn’t fix a wound—it just isolates you while you’re still bleeding.

When Jesus was betrayed, abandoned, and denied, He didn’t throw up His hands and walk away. He didn’t say, “Forget these people, I’m done.” He stayed. He still went to the cross. He still loved.

That’s not to say you should stay in a toxic church or keep subjecting yourself to abusive leadership—not at all. But what I am saying is:

Leaving the faith because of people’s failures is like refusing medicine because the pharmacist was rude.
Healing happens in community, not in isolation.
There is still a place for you in the body of Christ.

How to Heal From Church Hurt

So what do you do when Christians hurt you? When the people who were supposed to represent Christ fail spectacularly?

Here’s where healing begins:

1. Bring Your Hurt to God First

Not to social media. Not to gossip circles. To God.

Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” If you’re hurting, He sees you. He cares. Before anything else, tell Him how you feel.

2. Separate God From His People

Humans mess up. God does not.

Jesus is not a corrupt pastor.
Jesus is not a legalistic church lady.
Jesus is not a hypocritical deacon.

People misrepresent Him all the time. Don’t let their failures define who God is.

3. Find a Healthy Community

Not all churches are like the one that hurt you.

It’s okay to take your time, but don’t let one bad experience keep you from experiencing the blessing of true Christian community.

4. Forgive—But Set Boundaries

Forgiveness isn’t saying what they did was okay. It’s saying, “I will not carry this bitterness anymore.”

You can forgive and still have boundaries. Some people shouldn’t have continued access to your life, and that’s okay.

5. If the Hurt Was Abuse—Get Help

Some church hurt isn’t just people being rude—it’s spiritual abuse. If you experienced manipulation, control, or anything that made you fear for your safety, please seek counsel. Jesus does not condone abuse.

Jesus Never Hurt You

At the end of the day, the church is made up of broken people. Some of them are working out their faith with humility. Some of them aren’t. Some of them look Christian on the outside but don’t know Christ at all.

But Jesus never hurt you.

He is the One who was rejected, betrayed, and falsely accused, and yet He still gave His life to save the very people who hurt Him.

If anyone understands church hurt, it’s Him.

And He is not asking you to carry this alone.

So take your time. Bring your wounds to Him. And when you’re ready, let Him guide you to real healing—not in bitterness, not in isolation, but in the safety of His love and truth.

☕ A little faith, a little courage, and a whole lot of stubborn joy. – Tonya

I know church hurt is real. I also know healing is possible. If you’ve experienced hurt from Christians, I’d love to hear from you. What has helped you move forward? Where are you in your journey? Drop a comment below or share your thoughts—I’d love to walk this road with you. You’re not alone.