Why Adult Friendships Are Hard—But Worth It (Loneliness, FOMO, and Finding Real Community)

You ever feel like making new friends as an adult is like trying to get into an exclusive club you didn’t know required reservations? Everyone already has their people, their inside jokes, their group chats—meanwhile, you’re just out here awkwardly hovering like, “Hellllllloooo, I also exist.”

And, truthfully, even when you do have great friends, adult friendships are basically a revolving door of canceled plans.

One of you texts, “Let’s get dinner!”
The other responds, “Absolutely! How about next Friday?”
The plan is set, it’s on the calendar…
Then Friday rolls around:
“So, it’s supposed to rain around 5:30. Should we reschedule?”

Welcome to adult friendships. 

Making friends as a kid? Easy. You sat next to someone in class, traded snacks, and bam—best friends for life.

Making friends as an adult? You have to schedule friendship like it’s a business meeting. Everyone’s tired. Everyone’s overwhelmed. And worst of all, social media makes it look like everyone else has tight-knit friend groups while you’re just out here… existing.

But it’s not just busyness that makes friendships hard.

Hookup culture has wrecked how we view relationships of all sorts. It’s trained us to believe that people are disposable. If someone stops serving a purpose, if they’re inconvenient, if they ask too much of us, or too many personal questions—we move on. And deep down, we assume other people will do the same to us.

So, we keep things surface-level. We don’t go too deep, we don’t get too real. We focus more on how we’re coming across than on actually knowing and caring for the other person. Because what if we open up and they walk away? What if we show our real selves and they decide we’re too much? Or maybe they will think our real selves just aren’t likable at all. Ouch.

But here’s the thing: Real friendships require vulnerability. And real friendship isn’t just about being seen, it’s about seeing others. And that “seeing others” thing—well that part comes first. We seem to have lost that one crucial understanding. 

To listen to someone, to truly see them, to care about their struggles and joys like they’re your own—that is the greatest gift of friendship there is.

God Never Intended Us to Do Life Alone

God wired us for relationships. He never intended for us to do life in isolation. 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.”

Get that? We are not meant to isolate ourselves. We’re just not built for it. And if you believe you are most comfortable in that space of isolation then you are buying into a lie that will rob you of a fulfilling life and valuable relationships. This comes from someone who would be JUST FINE sitting behind my computer writing all day. But I can’t do that. It’s not mentally or emotionally healthy for me. 

Even Jesus—the literal Son of God—surrounded Himself with close friends. And let’s be honest, they weren’t always great at it. They let Him down, abandoned Him when things got hard, and sometimes just didn’t get it. But He still chose them. He still invested in them. He still cultivated their friendship. Imagine that, God cultivating a personal friendship with you (He still does that, you know).

Friendships don’t have to be perfect to be meaningful. But they do have to be intentional.

What Real Friendship Looks Like (A Personal Take)

I know I’m blessed when it comes to true friendships.

I have a friend, Sharon, that I’ve had since the 5th grade. We met in the girl’s bathroom when she jumped over the short wall and into my bathroom stall (long story that I will DEFINITELY tell you at some point). Let’s just say that if you’ve never seen a Chinese girl fly over the wall of a bathroom stall while you are using the facilities—have you really lived?? We don’t talk often, but when we do, it’s like not a day has passed. She doesn’t even live in the same state as me, but if I needed her, I know I could call and she would be there in a heartbeat. She might even jump over a few bathroom stalls for me.

I have another friend, Janet, my best friend outside my family. A few weeks ago, I was supposed to have dinner with her and her husband (who’s also my golfing buddy and friend), Gregg. Then I got sick—like gross sick—and had to cancel.

They didn’t just say, “Hope you feel better!”

They made me dinner for two nights and left it on my doorstep.

I’m telling you; everyone needs a Janet in their life. She will fight for me and make me chicken and dumplings. Love her.

Then there are my three cousins—Ongie, April, and Kristy. All wildly different from each other, and all wildly different from me. But if I ever needed someone to move mountains—whether in prayer or with sheer determination—these are the women I’d call. And the stories? They have the best stories. The kind you could sit and listen to all day. Actually, I do—we text each other constantly. (Love you, Cuz Crew!)

You can’t beat that.

But here’s the thing: all of these relationships have one thing in common—time.

You don’t just go out and “get” a Janet or a Sharon. You don’t wake up one day with lifelong friendships already built. You invest. You show up. You make the effort. 

That’s the part no one wants to hear.

Friendships take time. They take intentionality. They take choosing to stay in someone’s life even when it’s inconvenient, even when you don’t feel like it, even when they (or you) are going through something messy. The world tells us friendship should be easy. That if people are really “your people,” they’ll fit seamlessly into your life. But that’s a lie. Anything truly valuable takes time to build. 

Yes, there are friendships that come into your life for a season, and then you both, for whatever reason, move on. There is no shame in that. However, when you are over the age of twenty—the disposable friendships are just not worth it anymore. Friendships cost something, as they should. You wouldn’t spend $800 for a new disposable camera. But the new iPhone—wouldn’t think twice. Question is, what do you want to buy with your time?

The Hard Truth About Friendship

If you want deep friendships, you have to be willing to listen. Not just to respond, not just to share your own stories, but to actually hear the other person.

If you want friends who will show up for you, you have to be the kind of person who shows up first. We’ve all heard it before: “To have a friend, you have to be a friend.” Was that Mr. Rogers? I don’t know, but it feels like something he would say.

The bottom line? Friendship starts with you.

Yes, some people will reject you. Good! Next. Rejection is a gift from God to the current you that spares the pain of the future you. The moment you start seeing rejection as a gift is the moment your entire world changes.

Having said that, if you want relationships that actually last, you have to be willing to let people see the real you. Not the filtered, polished, always-has-it-together version. The real, messy, sometimes-struggling, but-always-trying you.

Because at the end of the day, that’s what we all want—someone who sees us, knows us, and stays anyway.

Everyone else? Next.

Friendship Takes Effort—But It’s Worth It

Look, I know friendship isn’t easy. It takes effort—and honestly, effort is exhausting. Some days, just answering a text feels like a full-time job. And the older we get, the easier it is to convince ourselves that we’re fine on our own.

I mean, sure, being alone means no one cancels plans on you. It means you will never face rejection. It also means no one is there to tell you that your DoorDash orders are getting a little excessive, or you watch too much of the Home Shopping Network (*cough* Kristy), or that you have spinach in your teeth. So… you win some, you lose some.

But the truth is—we need people. Not just surface-level acquaintances, but real friends. The ones who bring you chicken and dumplings when you’re sick (even though they are from Buffalo, NY, they still cook your favorite southern food), who laugh with you over the dumbest things, and who see the parts of you that aren’t always polished—and stay anyway.

So here’s your challenge, and trust me, it’s a good one:

First, text someone just to say hi. Not because you need something, not because you feel obligated—just because. If it’s been a while, don’t overthink it. Just hit send. 

Next, say yes to something social, even if it’s outside your comfort zone. Even if it requires pants. I know, I know—big ask.

If you’re feeling brave, invite someone to coffee. Or lunch. Or a spontaneous Target run (because we all know those are where real friendships thrive).

And if nothing else? Check-in on someone you haven’t talked to in a while. Just send a, “Hey, you crossed my mind today—how are you?” and see what happens. I do this. Most of the time I will add, “You don’t have to respond. Just wanted you to know you were on my mind. Praying for you. Love you.” You don’t have to add the “love you” part. But I am telling you that just showing people that you care is a gift that we can all afford. 

Because friendships don’t just magically appear. They are built, little by little, moment by moment, over time. And I promise you—they are so worth it.

☕ A little faith, a little courage, and a whole lot of stubborn joy. – Tonya

What’s the hardest part of finding friends after 20? Drop a comment—I’d love to hear your thoughts!

© 2025 All posts written by Tonya E. Lee